bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I'm not angry. I'm not. I'm just frustrated, annoyed and trying so fucking hard not to be resentful. I don't feel much else. There's no space for it. His feelings are SO big and he's so unable to manage them lately. The tears used to break me and now they feel manipulative. I'm holding us down financially right now. I'm glad to be able to do this for him--for us. He did the same for me early into our relationship and it's a huge part of the reason I've been able to carve out a decent career for myself. I take a great deal of pride in being able to give him his chance to take a beat and reevaluate his path. None of my frustration or bad feelings have anything to do with him being out of work. I literally begged him to quit his job because it was making him so unhappy. He was having anxiety attacks before work like 3 days a week, pacing the house with tears streaming down his face feeling so overwhelmed that he could barely form sentences. It was getting BAD. It's been 2 months since he quit his job at the ethanol plant and he's supposed to be focusing on himself, on healing, on finding some balance. There are days where it seems like he's made huge amounts of progress and there are just as many days where it feels like he'll never be "back". It's been a tumultuous day and I don't know if I mean that---I struggle to not paint everything with the same brush sometimes. I know that I'm not perfect and that I am not without blame for where we are. But I do feel like I'm the only one who is actively communicating. Often too much. It feels like I'm defending myself a lot. Like, there is just some kind of fundamental misunderstanding between us that makes him incapable of understanding what I'm saying. Any criticism, no matter how small is met with some variation of, "I'm fucking everything up..." Every argument, every disagreement, every misunderstanding, every miscommunication has us spinning in the same fucking cycle.
1.) Misunderstanding And nothing gets resolved. I'll try to go back to it when things have calmed down, to debrief. I'll bring up what triggered me, express what I needed from him in the moment and ask him for his side of it, but he generally just shuts down. During the debrief, I'll reiterate that it's not him that I'm frustrated with--it's that we're stuck in this cycle. I'm annoyed that we're here again. He tells me that I have an anger problem and I don't see it that way. I'm not yelling, blaming, name calling or seething with rage. I don't feel the heat of anger in my chest. I don't feel out of control of myself. I know that I'm biased--that in my reflections it's easy to cast myself in the hero role, but I don't think that's the case here. I'm just so sick of putting my feelings and my valid criticisms aside so that I can coddle an almost 40 year old man who seems to be either incapable of or unwilling to control his own emotions. I'm so tired of being accused of being angry while he makes petty comments or gets so emotional that he slaps himself in the face. That was a save point for me. Watching that episode. Like, all I could think in the moment was, "How the fuck did we get here? Who is this person?" I don't know what to do. He stormed off a couple hours ago and has been at my parents ever since. It's going to be SUCH a fun weekend. 7:18 p.m. - 10.20.23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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