bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - "I now lay in a grave of matching pillowcases stuffed with mismatched pillows waiting for someone who loved me to show me love in the present tense." - Charles K Carter, "Zombie" I want so badly to give glowing, optimistic updates about the situation but things aren't improving. Or maybe they just aren't improving as quickly as I'd like. Maybe I'm trying to paint a fresh picture with the same shitty brush I've been using. I really don't know anymore. What I do know is that there are so many ways in which I have never been doing better...there are so many ways where I'm fucking thriving. And yet, still, the unhappiness is deep and pervasive. Things with my husband's mental state are fairly stagnant, but I hope that will change now that our health insurance is no longer lapsed. He's not wanting to pursue anymore pharmaceutical intervention, which is fair, but for the sake of his sanity and our relationship, I hope he gets his thyroid and hormones tested. I'd love for him to go to therapy to deal with the dad stuff, but I'm not sure if he's ready. In a perfect world, he'd find some kind of balance/equilibrium/footing first. He's just so emotionally unregulated and in the depths of depression, he's largely unable to regulate himself. I want to be there for him, but I'm tired. We've had a lot of conversations and a lot of things have been said that continue to ring in my heart and mind---I'm trying to be gracious and understanding and empathetic and all of those things, but truthfully, I'm getting tired of feeling unsupported. I'm getting tired of feeling like a monster. I'm getting tired of not having a partner. I find myself relying on my parents a lot for various things, things that I should be able to count on my husband to be my teammate on.... Since he quit his job in August, I haven't had more than a few scattered hours alone and I know that's starting to get to me. I feel largely unable to restore myself--like I'm just continuously pouring from my cup without ever having a chance to refill it (or having a partner capable of refilling it). I worry my empathy is becoming a finite resource. Mostly, though, I worry about him. He makes a lot of vaguely suicidal statements that feel too big for me to carry but not serious enough to act on. He cries a lot, which in and of itself isn't terrible but it happens so frequently that sometimes I'm just like, "For fucks sake!" (And I know. I know that's not fair to him. I know that's a me issue. I'm just so tired, and nobody is ever there to comfort me.) He has anxiety attacks multiple times a day, sometimes escalating into full-blown panic attacks. I'm not certain what triggers it, but I can tell you that getting that as a response regularly has made it next to impossible to discuss or resolve anything. He says things like, "I'm struggling" often and while I have a huge amount of sympathy and empathy for that, I can't help but think, "And what are you doing about it?!" I know therapy didn't feel like an option until we had health coverage, so I've been trying to give space and grace and all of that but now that we're insured again it's like, "MAKE THE APPOINTMENT! DO SOME-FUCKING-THING!" Because at this point, all I want is different. I don't need better. I just need things to change. I had strange, technicolor dreams last night. I was visited by people I haven't seen or thought about in years. It's got me feeling extra off today. And I started my period. And it's been, just, like, multiple days in a row of very intense and highly emotional conversations and I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired. Everything is cyclical. Everything is temporary. So how long will it be bad? How long do I let it be bad? I feel stuck. Trapped, maybe? I'm a hostage of his feelings. 1:51 p.m. - 12.06.23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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