bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I found out yesterday that my boss is taking the ladies in the office out to lunch. I have not quit panicking since.
Aside from the fact that I am becoming a recluse who has all but forgotten how to talk to people/becomes filled with intense trepidation at the thought of interaction with acquaintances, things have actually begun to level out. A huge part of it has to do with the fact that I've finally gotten our finances under control. It's not as if we were on the verge of homelessness or in danger of losing any utilities and services, we just kept finding ourselves in a place where our bills were paid, we had some food in the house and we had NOTHING else. Like, not even enough to buy a gallon of milk the day before we got paid. Every extra cent went to pay off car repairs that didn't actually fix the car (which, by the way, is at a new mechanic. We've invested $400 into the car only to have it die on the way home. Twice.) or to outstanding loans we had to take out in order to keep life going after the wind of death swept through. On top of the winter blues and the grief and the depression that we both slipped into, we just got to this place where we were slaving away in the hopes that, best case scenario, we'd break even. It lead us to a dark, stressful, horrible place. Let's face it, when you're already in kind of a desperate or cruddy spot emotionally, the idea of having to choose between repairing your car to get to work/keep your job or paying your property taxes on time to avoid the possibility of penalty, forbearance or foreclosure, can send you send you screaming down a long, dark tunnel of despair. So, being me, I waited until I was so fed up and unhappy that I couldn't think straight anymore, and then I got proactive. I called everyone we have a monthly payment plan with, rearranged payment schedules to correspond to our actual pay dates, re-negotiated payment plans and budgets, cut a few services that were unnecessary and suddenly, there was room to fucking breathe again. I managed to cut the cost of running our home each month in half. When I ran the new numbers, I was in shock. Partially because of how much money we'd freed up, but mostly because I realized exactly how complacent I'd become. I had gotten to a place of depression that left me feeling helpless and powerless. Instead of looking at my budget months ago (which I should have done), I let the discouragement I felt keep me from doing anything. Instead of trying to figure out a new system, I just cursed the one that was in place and worked within it's boundaries. I am an incredibly strong, smart, capable, powerful woman, but it's not often that I'm in touch with that. Same goes for my husband: he's one of the most intelligent, most patient, most determined, most powerful, take-no-shit-but-do-no-harm kind of man I've ever met. But he hasn't got a clue. Now that both of our heads are in the game for the first time in months, I actually feel hopeful that we're going to get through this. We're not out of the woods, but we're both looking at the same map and we finally agree which direction we need to head in. It's a blessing I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to give thanks for, honestly, because there were a few moments that I wondered if we would even make it. When I worked at the coffee shop, I worked with an incredible woman. She was in her seventies and was a ridiculously devout Christian. Despite all of our differences, we became close friends and confidants. When I would discuss my marriage and the hardships we faced, she would always drop these amazing wisdom bombs on me. One of the things she repeated on a loop was, "It's easy to love someone when things are good. Real love is hard and dirty and ugly. Real love is work." When she first told me those words, I thought, "Well, duh!" And then we had to deal with real tragedies for the first time. Real struggles. We leveled up into adulthood and were being tested as such. It's only now that I really understand what she meant. I didn't stop loving Devon or question my feelings (and I think it's safe to say he didn't either), but I did question whether our love was strong enough to get us to the other side of everything. I wondered if the turmoil and trauma and grief and depression would collapse the bridge our love was building. Now I realize how silly all of that was. The truth is, Devon and I hadn't had to face real struggles before. I mean, sure, we'd been through some rough patches emotionally and financially and romantically, but the last six months or so were our first real taste of how fucking cold and cruel and difficult and unforgiving and impossible life can be. Up to that point, I'd only loved Devon when it was easy because things had never really been hard. The past several months forced me to look at my husband in a way I'd never done before. It brought me face to face with his faults, and it brought him face to face with mine. We stared into the ugliest and darkest parts of each other's being--parts we'd barely even gotten a glimpse of before. The love never wavered, but I think it's safe to say that we were both scared of what we saw in each other....and in ourselves. We each had to come to the realization that the existence of the ugly parts inside of us didn't negate all of the things we loved about each other. We had to realize that the ugliness inside of us didn't mean we were unworthy of one another's love. We had to stop projecting our depression and self-loathing onto each other and our relationship. I don't think we've come to the end, and I think it's a little preemptive to say that we've "passed the test", but I feel hopeful. For the first time since August, I feel hopeful and supported and loved. And it feels pretty fucking good. 8:44 a.m. - 03.04.15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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