bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I finally just said "fuck it" and printed my own payroll check using Quickbooks. I'd like to add, just for the record, that I did call my boss and [kind of] get his okay. Basically, I told him that if he didn't pay me (or let me pay myself), I wouldn't be able to afford the 50 mile round trip commute and would have to stop coming in.

Getting paid felt pretty awesome. I'm still not sure the work is worth it, I'm still an anxiety ridden mess, and my mind is still a dark, gloomy place in regards to all things work related...but whatever.

My parents, who have been paying my [OLDER] brother's bills for the past 6 months or so, have decided that counting on him to get a job and pay his own bills is futile and they are paying for him to go back to college. Without sounding like some entitled little shit-stain, I'd just like to say that this rubs me the wrong way. In addition the fact that I spent almost a year being unemployed, desperately looking for work so that I could afford to go back to college, I also spent damn near every day of that year by my father's side as his assistant and driver while he recovered from a pretty serious neck surgery. God, see...I know what a jerkface I sound like right now, but....what the fuck, man? When my brother quit his job, he still had internet, he still had cable, they paid for all of his gas, and kept the utilities in the house going. When I left my last job, my husband and I cut off our internet and cable, we stopped going out to eat, we stopped going to music festivals. We basically gave up everything we could live without, and my amazing husband worked his ass off to provide for us during my hiatus. Meanwhile, my big brother [who has failed out of college TWICE] just continues to be rewarded for fucking up; he's getting a 3rd try at college on my parent's dime.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting out of college for a 4th consecutive semester because I just can't afford it (and because I'm in the process of paying off my loans because my husband and I no longer believe in spending imaginary money). I didn't fail out. I took time off because it wasn't economical. I took time off because I was worried that a full-time job would jeopardize my 3.1 GPA.

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And I know it's stupid and petty and my parents raised me and turned me into an awesome person, so they really don't owe me shit... It's just, like, why reward poor decision making skills?

Fuck me, there's really no way to make this sound less whiney and awful, so I'll stop.

This bullshit job is making it too damn easy to accentuate the negative.

- 07.31.13


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