bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


inner monologue.

Does anybody else have an incredibly....conflicted inner monologue? Like, one that has to criticize and question every single decision you make? One reason that I fucking hate explaining my actions to people is because I'm aware that a ridiculous--and maybe compulsive--amount of thought goes into every single thing I do.

Derv makes fun of me when I explain my thought process to him because it's, quite frankly, a little bit fucking nuts. Even I can see that it's crazy. The example I'm about to give you is quite real and happened yesterday.

We were driving to Jimmy Johns yesterday. It's located in a corner shop, and so you pretty much have to parallel park. (Quick thing about me, I fucking hate parallel parking. I suck at it, I over think it, I am perpetually convinced that my bumper is inches from the other car's bumper. Because I live in a small town, it's virtually never an issue. Also, I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with my depth perception.) Anyway, because there had already been an incredibly lengthy debate as to whether or not I could even go into the eatery, there was nowhere else to go. I had to choose between parking directly in front of the building because there were three open spots or tucking my car in on one of the side streets, which also had a few spaces open. (Because, you know, I can only parallel park if I can pull directly into the spot. No backing up for this bitch. No, sir!)

Anyway! I opted out of parking directly in front of the place because, well...what if I hit the curb? What if somebody parked in front of or behind me, forcing me to drive forward and backward 5 inches at a time until I was able to maneuver the car out of the space comfortably? Surely I couldn't let these fast food employees and customers watch me fumble around like a fifteen year old with a learners permit! The sheer idea of something like that happening flushed my skin red while my stomach filled with that sinking feeling of sheer embarrassment.

So, I circled the block, deciding to park on the side street.

However, when I arrived at the side street, I realized that the only spot open was the spot that the Jimmy John's delivery driver always parks his car. (Another thing you should probably know about me, I live in constant fear of being one of "those people". I was a really big asshole for a really long time, so I go out of my way to treat people the way I want to be treated. This is another thing Derv considers to be impulsive.) I started to think about a friend of mine who used to be a delivery driver, and he would always talk about how it pissed him off when people parked in his spot because he was always hurrying around so much that it was inconvenient to park further away that he had to. So, being rational, I figured that the Jimmy John's guy has to live up to the company's delivery promise of being "freaky fast", which would be extra difficult for him if some jerk off parked in his spot! Not to mention, that guy is at work. And I have a strong moral code dictating that you are not allowed to fuck with somebody who is at work.

So, I drove past Jimmy John's again, determined to turn around and park on the opposite side of the same street.

That went off without a hitch, but then there was a five minute conversation about whether or not I was too close to the curb and another five minute discussion about the prick who parked in the delivery driver's spot.

Until the second or third time Derv stared at me blankly as I explained the minutia of what goes on in my mind before making a choice about anything, I really thought that everybody did shit like that.

I've been told so many times in my past that I'm impulsive that I weigh virtually every single possible outcome of a scenario before acting. I mean, I'm not going to lie, a lot of the time I get so overwhelmed by all of the things that could happen that I end up not doing anything at all (which lead me to my new mantra "inaction is an action"), least I'm not wreckless and impulsive anymore, right? Right?

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I've just evolved into a completely different kind of insane. Or maybe it's just a woman thing, and I wouldn't know much about that, because I don't really have a lot women friends.

Anyway, I feel especially manic lately. But, then again, that's probably very obvious.

1:49 p.m. - 01.26.13


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