bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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Yesterday my husband and I went to McDonalds. I wasn't super hungry and I wasn't necessarily feeling it and the line was long, so when my husband tried to order a grimace shake and they didn't have it, he started to short circuit. He kept asking me what I wanted to do and I kept saying it didn't matter. I wasn't the hungry one, so I didn't understand why he kept deflecting to me. Eventually, he said something along the lines of, "I'm just trying to make sure you're happy and get what you want." And I said, "I don't want anything!" He told me that he was incredibly anxious and didn't know what to do.

I gave him space and reassurance and it wound down quickly, but we find ourselves in that space constantly.

While I'm so glad it was a quick moment that didn't derail the day entirely, that same type of understanding comes up often. And it often does derail the entire day.

Even though it went better than usual, I still found myself thinking, "Wow. We really can't even go to fucking McDonalds without a breakdown."

And the thing is, he did all the right things. He identified his emotions, voiced them, didn't make me responsible for them and got through the moment but I'm still feeling weird about it.

Maybe my feelings were partially because I've been in such a funk lately. I'd like to think that was most of it. I think a part of it, no matter how small, was because this seems to happen a lot. Whether it's anxiety about trying to please me or work or socializing or something he can't put his finger on, his anxiety spirals are starting to feel frustrating to me.

It's not fair to him at all. His feelings are perfectly valid and he's finally sharing them! So, like, what is my problem?

12:41 p.m. - 07.05.23

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