bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



Home sick again today with an injury. Feeling pained, guilty, anxious and about a thousand other things I can't put my finger on.

I pulled a series of muscles in my neck yesterday. I was brushing my tongue when I gagged and was overtaken by a white hot, blinding pain that took me to my knees. After several minutes of crying on the bathroom floor, my husband pulled me off the floor and helped me tuck in with a heating pad. Such a freak accident, but so fucking embarrassing.

He took the day with me yesterday. It was nice.

Things have been hard lately. Even after 10 years together, we still sometimes struggle to prioritize our individual needs over our needs as a couple.

It's so much easier to immerse oneself in the life and trials of their partner as a way to avoid dealing with their own struggles. The trouble with that, however, is that you're often just projecting your shit all over the other person.

Neither of us grew up in an environment where mental health was discussed openly. He grew up in a family that never spoke of such things, and I grew up in a family that refused to recognize them. I was lucky enough to have gotten a diagnosis early in adulthood, to have an idea of what was "wrong" with me. My husband, however, just always assumed the depression he carried with him was normal. It wasn't until after I started going to therapy regularly and sharing all if the dysfunctional thoughts and habits and feelings I had that we both realized how abnormal our brains were.

Disassociation, anxiety, anger outbursts, intense periods of depression, projection, drug abuse, racing/intrusive thoughts, panic in crowds and public spaces...those were all things I assumed everyone battled constantly. I just thought it was all part of being a human.

I had to unlearn and face so many toxic habits and behaviors. It was so humbling.

My husband has begun his journey toward wholeness and I'm so proud of him. I know how hard it is to admit that you need help being a person and functioning in the world. I also know how empowering it is to make it to the other side, to see improvements in the way I function in my every day life, to be able to cope with myself even on my worst days. I want all of those things for him.

I also look forward to being 2 healthy, whole people. I look forward to being able to pass on that emotional awareness and intelligence to our [future] child.

At the end of the day, I just want us to break the cycles that we were born into so that we are able to decide our own futures. I don't want us to be prisoners of our own minds anymore.

We've always made it through any obstacle in our way, clawing and fighting through. And while that's something I'm proud of, I am anxious to gather tools that will help us forge ahead without hurting ourselves or each other.

Love isn't easy, but there's no one else in the world I would do the work for.

1:24 p.m. - 12.13.18


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: