bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


2016 goals

I told my mom that Devon and I were going to try to figure out the whole spawning thing this year. She was elated; I was horrifically uncomfortable.

I have absolutely no idea why I find it so difficult to get through these conversations without dissolving into either awkwardness or giggles, but it's been really hard.

It's probably a self defense mechanism.

Anyway, I've begun to take baby steps (hahahahaha, pun!) toward facilitating things. Being that I have PCOS and the worlds most unpredictable period, I've finally begun tracking it. I've also begun tracking my basal temperature, sleep schedule, diet and romps in the hay. The more I read about fertility and conception, the more overwhelming it all seems. Like, all the babies in my social circle are byproducts of alcohol, poor impulse control or lack of contraception (or some combination of the three). Fertility and family planning aren't exactly things that most women in my peer group are thinking about.

This is all such a foreign concept to me. I kind of can't believe that there could be a time in the not-exactly-distant-future when I'm tasked with keeping a tiny person alive. A tiny, non-verbal little person who does nothing but eat and shit and scream.

I kind of can't believe that this is, in any small way, appealing. (I feel like this statement is going to haunt me when I actually have a kid. Like, I will look back at the naivety of this statement with an intense anger that I am incapable of mustering or understanding at this point in life.)

In addition to all the directly-to-baby-making-self-improvement and self discovery, I have quit smoking (again. For realsies! I swear!) and lost thirty pounds in the last four or five months (probably due to the fact that I now spend my prime snacking hours at work and cut out 90% of my meat and dairy intake). It's been intense to say the least.

My other goals for 2016 are to begin to learn to play either the guitar, the ukulele or mandolin (all three of which we own for some odd reason or another), move to a first shift position (preferably in HR) within the company I work for, purchase a vehicle with 4 wheel drive and take a vacation to the Oregon coast.

Last year I managed to accomplish everything that I set out to do, so I high hopes for myself this year.

That kid thing, though, that could be a rough one. Biology is not on my side.

11:44 p.m. - 01.14.16


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