bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



Fuck me, I've gotten so out of the writing flow. I've fallen into this weird vortex with work where life just kind of passes me by.

I'm still at the same job. It's for a pretty huge, international meat packing company. It's definitely the largest, most intimidating place I've ever worked. There's something like 1500 employees, and I'm incredibly thankful to be one of the lucky few not tasked with having to step foot onto the kill floor or the cut floor. I took a tour of the plant recently and haven't been able to eat meat since. It's not a matter of distrust of the way the food is prepared---I was actually shocked by the cleanliness, condition and standards of the floor---it's more like an overwhelming gut feeling of ethics. It's hard to explain, so I won't try. Suffice it to say, it's a completely different world from the detached office building I have the pleasure of working in.

It's a great job and I've finally found my place within the company. For the first time, I feel like I actually have some kind of career trajectory. I've met all kinds of incredible people with amazing stories. It's been a huge blessing and a fantastic way to force me out the shell I developed over the past few years.

It's also provided a huge amount of financial security, which helped my husband and I make up our minds that it's time to start trying for a baby.

I'm still a little bit...awkward about the whole thing. I have trouble taking myself seriously as an adult, and so the idea of creating a tiny human who I'm responsible for keeping alive is absolutely terrifying. At the same time, it's thrilling. I also spent the first twenty-four years of my life loudly and proudly declaring that I didn't want kids...

What's funny is, after denouncing the idea of being a mother most of my life, I have a long, hard road in front of me if I really want to have a baby.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It's a hormonal disorder with all kinds of awful, humiliating symptomatology and it's a major cause of infertility and difficulty conceiving. It's by no means impossible for me, but it may be a fight.

I talked to my mother about it recently, and took a huge amount of relief in finding out that she had to jump-start her fertility in order to get pregnant for the first time. Knowing that she faced a similar struggle made me feel so close to her. We have trouble connecting and relating so often that I find myself getting excited about the idea of her help coaching me through pregnancy and through motherhood.

Seeing her face when I told her that we would be trying to "figure out the baby thing" this year was a really beautiful moment, and I will cherish it forever.

It still feels strange to want it, to feel a calling for it in my heart.

When I started this diary I was fourteen years old. As I look back through older entries, my heart breaks and I cringe and I cry and I laugh. I can't believe the way life plays out. I never would have pictured myself where I am now. I never would have imagined that I could find fulfillment where I am now.

I am so full of excitement for everything that happens next and so full of gratitude for everything that happened before.

1:09 a.m. - 01.08.16


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: