bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I was going to write "where to begin" but that gives an impression that I've somehow managed to move from this miserable place that I've been stuck for the past couple of months. I'm trying to get unstuck. Really, I am. Small consistent efforts. Showing up for myself. I'm really fucking up at the second part, but I am able to continue with the small consistent efforts. They're just kind of manic and everywhere. The biggest thing is that I've been able to keep the house somewhat together. That's been my biggest success over the past few weeks, and while it sounds outrageous that it would be something so worthy of noting and celebrating, that's exactly what I am doing. I'm struggling to get up in the morning. I'm struggling to shower, to bush my hair, to take my makeup off (on the days that I have the energy to apply it, that is), to wear a bra, to get dressed, to put myself together, to make it to work (if my company wasn't such a shit show, I'd be much more concerned about it). I'm not reaching out to friends. I'm not doing things I enjoy. I'm just dissociating all the time--staring into my phone or watching TV almost every second of my free time because I'm afraid of the places my mind goes when it wanders. Yesterday my husband and I took the dogs to the park and it was almost as if I could feel my soul being nourished. It's the first time I've been there in almost a year. We used to go all the time. I'd like to go more. I'm so tired all the time. Between hormones, depression, late stage capitalism and being a human, I'm just exhausted. How do people do this? How the fuck do I keep this up for another 30 something years? 3:41 p.m. - 06.15.23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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