bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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Devon's therapy homework, once again, is to take me on a date. During our last session, we agreed that it would be this weekend. I feel guilty because I'm certain that it's not going to happen. I don't want to say anything or issue any reminders, because I want him to want to do this.

I fucking hate being this much of a straight, hetero stereotype.

I deserve someone who puts in effort. I deserve to feel pretty and loved and appreciated and enjoyed and all of those things.

As the days get longer, my winter depression is starting to break. Some days the sun is shining and I can feel the warmth on my skin and it almost feels like spring could be coming. I can feel something stirring in me--coming back to life--but there's still this deep, pervasive sadness over everything. And it's because I'm spending so much time begging to be loved.

And he was so cold and so distant for so long, on the occasions that he's trying to close the gaps, it feels awkward. I don't know how to receive or accept it anymore. There's this level of discomfort and unfamiliarity that was never there before and it traps me in my head.

I'm insecure in ways I haven't been in years.

7:30 a.m. - 02.02.23

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