bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - The new black cat is incredible. He's adorable and sweet and chirps at me nonstop. He lets me pick him up and play with his toes and give him kisses and I can't help but feel like some kind of balance has been restored. Our familiar, our defender from the darkness, is back. I'm not mentally ill enough to think that it's the same cat that I lost somehow reincarnated, but I am mentally ill enough to think that God or the universe or my spirit guides or maybe even my old cat sent him. Things have been slowly improving at home. Devon has completed training for his new position at work and goes back onto night shift today. I'm really, really looking forward to having some alone time. My favorite thing about his rotating schedule is that we have 2 weeks to prioritize ourselves and then 2 weeks to prioritize our relationship. I'm hoping the next couple weeks bring him some peace and comfort, as well; I'm sure he's just as in need as I am. On Sunday we had another meeting with our therapist. I think it's going well. After our first appointment, his "homework" was to plan a date night for us. For whatever reason, this didn't happen. And so when our therapist asked about it, I was relieved to be able to be honest about how hurt I felt. Like, having a neutral third party to help guide tough conversations is kind of nice. I feel like before, I wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about being hurt or disappointed. Conversations like that tend to devolve into him spiraling into self-loathing. Whatever was going on with me had to be put on the back burner because the focus would shift to getting him out of the spiral. (I don't know if this is a conscious tactic or not, but sometimes it feels like that. And it makes me immediately frustrated and resentful.) This time, however, I was able to get it out there without any conflict. I didn't want to bring it up to make him feel bad or ashamed; I wanted to bring it up because I feel genuinely sad about it. I was actually able to share a few things that I've been hurt and/or bothered by lately and it was such a relief. We're supposed to be working on physical connection for the next couple of weeks. I'm not exactly sure how that will look with him going onto night shift, but I do feel cautiously optimistic. While we haven't been intimate since, like, November, we did have a sweet and cuddly weekend. And that was nice. It's really, really difficult not to take this personally even though there's a myriad of reasons why (we've been in a weird place in our relationship, he's on a new antidepressant (goodbye sex drive!), my PCOS causes horrific and unpredictable cycles, etc.). I don't feel desired or attractive. He says that's not the case. On an intellectual level, I believe him, but I feel a deep, deep insecurity. It's not just sex that went out the window, either. Like, there were a few weeks that he didn't even kiss me...when I couldn't even feel him in bed next to me. I never thought I'd be in a dead-bedroom situation. I never thought I'd be 33 and wondering if I've "lost it". I never thought I'd be here. Whatever that means. It's getting better, but it's still sad. We just have to make it to the other side. 3:54 p.m. - 01.23.23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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