bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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We begin couples therapy on Saturday.

Christmas was awful. I got him the drum set he asked me for. For my gift, I asked him to take me on a date--to plan a night for us. It's something I first asked him to do for me back in the fall, when I had visions of us drinking cider and picking pumpkins---back when things were slightly less bleak. He didn't take me on the date in the fall, and he probably won't for the winter.

I'd been looking at booking a cruise or something for our 11th wedding anniversary this year and I finally told him yesterday that I wouldn't be planning anything--that if he wanted to do something special or celebrate that it would be on him.

He accuses me of being angry a lot, but I don't think he hears me unless I'm yelling. I am angry about a lot of things, but I didn't start out that way.

We're both using each other's shitty behavior to justify our own. We're both so checked out of life and our relationship.

Yesterday I asked him if he even still liked me. So many of our conversations seem to be focused on the myriad of things that I do incorrectly when communicating (wrong tone, I didn't start out by saying hello, I'm being too intense, etc.) that I constantly feel like a fucking monster. And I wonder why anyone would want to be with someone who treats them so poorly.

I made a comment during the throws of it all that we needed to figure out whether or not we actually want to be together before we sell the spare house that we have. Yesterday he asked me if he should just move into it.

The thing is, as unhappy as I am and as much resentment as I'm carrying, I don't want to end the relationship. It's more than just the time put in, more than a fear of being alone. I genuinely love Devon more than anything and I see how fucking good we are together when we are working as a team. He's my best friend. He understands me, he calls me on my bullshit, he keeps me honest, he's my moral compass. I truly enjoy being around him when we're not battling. But we have to start resolving things.

Lately, there has been no resolution to our fighting. It's like we only know how to drag all our trash into the living room but we can't actually throw it out. And now we're just sitting amongst these mountains of emotional garbage wondering how the fuck we possibly got here.

And if we make it to the other side of this, we'll be so strong. Like, if we can get through this shit, we could do anything.

11:50 a.m. - 12.27.22

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