bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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I used to write with such a confidence and conviction. These days it feels more like I'm scooping water out of a sinking ship. I'm taking on so much water. I'm sinking. It feels unavoidable.

I'm thinking in nautical terms after a coworker/friend gave me a pep talk that included the famous quote, "an entire sea of water can't sink a ship unless it gets inside..."

I am so sad.

I read through entries from a decade ago. I was so much happier. Maybe it was youth, or the fact that I was doing a lot of psychedelics. 10 years ago I was freshly married--still trying to make sure my name had been changed on all legal documents, still feeling a rush of electricity when I said the word "husband". 10 years ago I was still hopping from job to job, none of them very challenging or meaningful. 10 years ago we were settling into our 2nd home. Devon was still driving forklift then. He still had his beard. We were struggling in a completely different way than we are now. But we were happy. We hosted the family holidays and cooked huge, elaborate meals for all of the people that we loved the most. We went the parks a lot. We still saw live music and had weekend getaways and looked for adventure.

We don't do a lot of those things anymore. I don't plan them, so we don't do them.

I was going to say "I don't remember why I stopped planning them," but I do. His dad moved in. His dad moved in and our whole world shifted.

But he's gone now. He's in a nursing home and he's safe and secure and as healthy as he's capable of being. So, like, why aren't we shifting again?

Or are we. Is this the shift?

11:23 a.m. - 01.11.23

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