bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I'm at a complete loss. We can't seem to have a conversation about anything that matters. He just breaks into pieces or gets overwhelmed or shuts down. More often than not, there's something wrong with the way that I communicate: my tone, how I lead off, my facial expressions, my silence.... I'm so tired of explaining. I don't trust that things will be taken care of. I can't voice that. Criticism is met with, "well I'm fucking everything up!" If I say something that's not inherently complimentary, his whole inner monologue turns on him and he shuts down completely. It feels....wrong. So much about how he's been treating me feels wrong. He keeps bringing up therapy, like, telling me that I need to go and I don't feel like I need individual therapy. (Partially because I don't think I'm "there"--like, I did intense EMDR/CBT/DBT therapy every other week for over a year before being released and partially because I cannot fathom how digging up all of my personal trauma could be helpful.) I said I'm willing and wanting to go to couples therapy, and he seemed on board with that. That's where we left it. I love him so much. We can't seem to reach any resolution. We seem unable to resolve any conflict. My instinct is to disengage to protect myself because I'm hurting and sad more often than I'm not lately. But that also feels like the absolute wrong thing to do because I'm not ready to give up. 8:08 a.m. - 11.10.22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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