bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I don't know what to do anymore.

Devon and I got into a fight last night. It got so scary and bad that I called my mom to mediate. He kept making comments like, "I don't need to be here," "I'll just leave," "I'll take myself out of the equation." I finally said that I'm either calling my mom or 911 but that I couldn't deal with it--that I didn't know what to do. It felt like he was threatening to take his life.

I still don't know how serious his suicidal ideation is. I'm not a good person to measure that, because I haven't wanted to be alive since before I was a teenager.

Later he accused me of cheating on him. He said, "You deserve someone better. You're probably already looking."

He said he doesn't trust me when I tell him how I feel.

He has a habit of deciding what my emotions are and assigning malicious intent to them. I know it's not him it's depression. But still.

At one point, it seemed like he was breaking up with me.

I went to bed at 7:45 and he followed me. I fell asleep listening to him sob as quietly as possible. I wanted so badly to comfort him, but I was so hurt and so angry. And I can't seem to reach him anymore any way.

He doesn't want to be reached. He's pushing me away.

He accuses me of not caring and not wanting to help. He is so bitter toward me for not giving him things that he won't ask me for.

I'm not handling things well. He needs more empathy, he needs comfort. He needs softness. He needs grace.

I'm so fucking dissociated right now--since the fight, really. It's the only way to cope with the constant storms.

I verbalized something I'd only previously written about---that we were standing in a moment that would shape the future. That we were, essentially, at a save point and that how we acted now would dictate how we handled the future.

When I said it, I meant that we had to be positive and come together and stop fighting and solve our problems and have a conversation, but that's not how he took it. He said, "We're there? Oh, are we there?!" as if I was trying to instigate.

We used to speak the same language--the exact same fucking dialect. We could communicate with our eyes and our smiles. We used to share a secret. It used to be us against the world.

And lately I just feel like his enemy and it fucking hurts.

I hurt. I hurt so badly. I am so heartbroken.

I don't know what's going on with the state of my marriage.

8:11 a.m. - 10.28.22


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