bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



My anxiety levels are that of someone who is being hunted for sport. I had a meltdown at work last weekend, directly to the CFO/head of our company. I sobbed and hyperventilated for like forty minutes about how much I need support from the sales/scheduling departments, how the broken ERP system is ruining my life and how the expectations that they have for me seem to be kind of outrageous considering I haven't been in the position for a year. He was shockingly kind and human about it. He kept saying things like, "it's just a job" and "we know you're the right person for this". I'm choosing to believe him. I'm choosing to take him at face value because, otherwise, it'd be really fucking hard to show my face again.

I took 2 days off last week due to mental health and will likely be working from home the majority of this week.

They gave me an amazing review and a slightly insulting raise, but I figure if I can be just, like, balls-to-the-wall crazy and they'll not only accept it, but accommodate it, then I can't ask for much more.

This weekend, all my family and all the friends I consider family (and all of our dogs) are disappearing to Wisconsin. Devon and I rented a huge and incredible cabin. It's a "tradition" we started last year when we found out our nieces and nephews had never been on vacation.

We're kind of killing it with the whole dual income no kids thing, so it feels awesome to be able to do this for everyone. The deal is essentially that Devon and I bankroll the trip (housing, entrance fees, higher cost adventures, gas and vehicles) and everyone else takes care of groceries and cleaning and cooking. Last year we were in a tiny cabin near one of my favorite state parks on the Iowa/Wisconsin border. This year, we got a 3 story Air BNB with like 7 bedrooms, pool tables, foosball table, hot tub and an enormous backyard. It'll be my husband and I, my brother's family, and 3 of my best friend's families. My parents and my soon-to-be-sister-in-law's mother will be staying at a separate cabin about 15 minutes away from us, close enough to spend all their time but far enough to escape the inevitable noise.

The noise is the thing I'm most looking forward to, honestly. I love the noise of family--the hum of a hundred conversations, the sound of laughter, of kids interrupting adults, of arguments that sound incredibly heated but are actually just debating whether or not Ursula from The Little Mermaid was part of some sort of tentacle-mermaid genocide. I just want to absorb it all. All of the people that I love the most will be in the same spot.

I think Devon and I could use that. It's been so weird and tense between us. I know my diminishing mental health isn't helping. Usually, I consider myself to be quite empathetic and emotionally available but the last week I've found myself thinking, "Jesus, could you hold it together for a fucking second so that I can break down?!"

I can't defend or justify that kind of thinking, but it's where I am.

He agreed to go to counseling together when and if we get his dad moved out. I hope we'll be okay.

I will be. I know emphatically that I will be--eventually. I just want so desperately to make it out of this together.

11:04 a.m. - 08.16.22


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