bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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Every part of my life is unfulfilling.


I find myself asking for help a lot, for support--both at home and at work--and I'm met with what feels like nothing.


My husband has nothing to give me. I know that. I empathize with that. But my pitcher is empty, too, and I'm still pouring.


Father in law is still living with us. Probably will be forever. I'm waiting on my husband to finish a stack of paperwork and without getting into it, I don't have a lot of faith that it will happen. I hope I'm wrong.


Husband's birthday is tomorrow.


We can't talk about the FIL stuff without him having an anxiety attack, which again, I empathize with but it really ties my fucking hands. So we won't talk about it until I hit another breaking point and find myself unable to continue forward.


That's what we've been doing for a year now.


I want to not exist. I want to cease being a conscious human being. I want to disappear. I want to sleep for the next 20 years.


I've never been this unhappy and this unable to change my situation.


All the cards are in my husband's hands. And it feels like there's going to come a time where I just cannot keep believing in him.


This is one of those moments--those pivotal, keystone moments--that we will point to as the beginning of the end of us. I don't know if that's the reality or if that's just how I feel, but there it is.


I love my husband more than anything in the world. I love him, I like him and I want to be with him, but if I have to make a choice between him and my happiness..... I will choose myself. I have to.

4:35 p.m. - 08.10.22

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