bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



Leaving on my cruise in a month.

I cannot wait.

The last couple weeks have been some of the most stressful of my working career. I picked the absolute worst time to make a career change--now that everything I do is dependent on the supply chain, every day is full of anxiety and uncertainty. I'm doing the best I can (most days, I think), but it's not enough. These are unprecedented times....lead times have never been this bad. I think some of the guys at work think that I'm incompetent or not placing orders, when I'm, like, pleading with vendors to just please give me a fucking ship date for the items I ordered in September. I've had a tension headache for a few days now....I'm sure it'll go away if I can just find a couple gearboxes.

Sometimes I miss the old stresses of my old job. The grass is always greener.

Devon is going through it right now, too. He doesn't talk about it, but his eyes betray him. Things feel tense and hard right now, even though I know it's just a matter of barely having the energy for ourselves. His father living with us is taking a toll. We're so burnt out.

We haven't completed the kitchen remodel that we began in July/August for a multitude of reasons, but they almost all lead back to the FIL.

I was raised in an environment where we talked about and fought about everything. It might not have been healthy, but things would get solved. He was raised in an environment where nobody talked about anything. Ever. So I think sometimes Devon (and probably also his father) resent when I bring up my unhappiness or distaste for something. Like, I'm the asshole for communicating (and, to be fair, sometimes I am, though it's generally because of my tone or presentation.)

I just can't sit in unhappiness. I have major depressive disorder and a voice in my head that tells me to kill myself like a thousand times a much of my despair and depression is inside of me and out of my control that I will move goddamn mountains to change my physical situation or control the things that are within my ability. RIL definitely doesn't have that in common with me, and the longer he stays here, the more Devon is fading.

Next Friday I have an interview for a fully remote position as a temp CSR. I don't even know if I want it, but I know that an interview always makes me feel like I have control over my life.

I feel wildly out of control right now. And I just cannot for the life of me figure out how much of it is based in reality.

10:29 a.m. - 03.16.22


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