bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


misery's company

My father in law thinks it's funny to constantly make jokes about killing my pets.

Yesterday, as I went to bed, he made a sarcastic comment about shooting one of the cats and I felt myself go dead in the eyes. I faced him squarely, said, "I'm not doing this today, Ron. I love you, but you're so fucking negative."

He tried to say something, but I interrupted saying, "I love you, but I wish you could say just one nice thing."

I closed the upstairs door behind me and heard him call out, "You're the negative!" and continue to mutter/talk to himself.

Maybe I should've turned around and talked it out--been the bigger person, but Jesus Christ, it's getting hard to take care of someone who is so goddamn mean and miserable all the fucking time. I know that I had a very idealized version of what this would all look like, but the reality is that none of us are happy.

I've put my dreams of family on hold, sacrificed my freedom and independence, compromised on my diet and the temperature of the house, spent thousands of dollars in shit to make him happy and given up a huge amount of intimacy with my husband. And for what?

This man couldn't even give my husband hot water and electricity consistently throughout his childhood, and he has the fucking audacity to complain about the way I keep house--the way I live life? Because out of the 2 of us, only one of us has been able to provide Devon with hot showers and light every goddamn day.

Oh my god. I feel resentment building and no amount of heart to hearts are helping--no matter how many times I tell him he hurts my feelings or ask him to have some empathy. No matter what I give or what I do, he's determined to be miserable.

It's like his misery and depression is who he is--his comfort.

I miss my old life.

I'm making more money and doing better mentally than I ever have in my life, but I am more miserable and broke then I've been in years.

This is supposed to be my golden age.

8:37 a.m. - 11.11.21


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