bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


word vomit

Things aren't really settling down any, but I'm getting more and more numb to the constant criticism. I don't know if I like who I see myself turning into, not after all the work I've put in to become who I am.

A friend from a million lifetimes ago, before I met my husband, was released from prison recently. I have such a soft spot for her, even if we were such a self destructive team. We were so codependent and enabled each other to make some really awful choices, but then there came a point when I just couldn't walk with her anymore. Our paths diverged when she moved from Columbian white to Iowa ice.

Some part of me maybe feels responsible for her choices, even though I know that I tried to "save her". Another part of me wonders if we would've been friends at all if it hadn't been for the drugs and depression.

That's a broad, sweeping statement that could cover quite a few years of my life, actually.

My husband and I finally talked about everything going on. I forget how much writing helps me organize my thoughts and find my true feelings.... I feel a little better about things, but talking can only do so much. We're now into the time of action, so I'm curious to see how everything will unfold next.

Aside from all the relationship stuff, we still have to set up doctors appointments, follow up with old doctors, fill prescriptions, figure out home health, insurance, etc.... And this is all stuff that I can't really do, because I'm just the daughter-in-law. This needs to be handled by my husband, but..... this kind of shit isn't his strong suit. His dad has lived with us for 2 months now (oh my god, has it only been 2 months?!) and in that time, he's only made, like, 2 phone calls on his dad's behalf.

I was the one that finally made the doctors appointment, though they couldn't (wouldn't?) do anything for him because I wasn't able to follow up on his medical records (because we're not related!! Because this shouldn't be my responsibility!) He's got, like, 6 days of pills left and we have no idea when or if a refill is coming. We can't get him in to see someone in Iowa until his Florida doctor sends his records. I can't get anyone to refill his meds, even though NONE of them are controlled and we have all the bottles and the prescribing doctor's contact info. It's frustrating as fuck because we're talking about, like, insulin and maintenance meds. If my husband doesn't make the calls today, I will lose a bit of faith in him.

I'm also just hoping that he gets it done so that FIL stops worrying about it. I am exhausted by that conversation, and the other 3 that we seem to be having on repeat. I know it's a mental capacity thing, that he doesn't mean to be annoying, but fuck.... FUCK.

We need to have a talk with FIL about things. About how we're all unhappy---how we've all made major sacrifices for this to work and none of us want to admit that it simply isn't working.

And that's not to say it can't, because I don't believe that. I just think it's so fucking important that we have a conversation about everything before we start to resent one another.

But, if my husband inherited anything from his father, it's his negative thought patterns and difficulty communicating his emotions. Just thinking about the emotionally laborious toll this talk will take on me is enough to make me want to forget it all together and just move the fuck out.

I shouldn't give voice to those thoughts, but I can't help it.

I'm so unhappy right now. And it's not the depression, it's what my life has become, what the next few years look like, how little power I [feel like] I have to change it.

7:16 a.m. - 10.20.21


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