bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


crisis management

I'm coming out of a strange sort of depression. I turned 30 last month, and it fucked me up in a way I wasn't prepared for. Like, everyone always jokes about the existential crisis that everyone goes through, but for me it was kind of an awakening.

Even though I haven't been actively suicidal in years, there was just a part of me that never thought I would live this long. Despite having giving up on the idea of killing myself as an option, I always just assumed I would just sad myself to death or something.

And now I'm just kind of wondering, "now what?" Because I'm in it. I'm pretty committed, and it's high time that I stop being such a passive observer in my own life.

One of the big things that means for me is really making the new house a home. We moved in and got settled, but there are so many tiny projects just looming over me. So many things that I've just chosen not to deal with for one reason or another--the main reason being that it's been hard enough to take basic care of myself.

In a lot of ways, keeping up with myself is a little easier in this house. Something about the claw foot bathtub and full vanity make the bathroom an oasis. It feels more like self care than the tedium of maintaining my flesh suit, but it's still a task that is far more daunting than it rightfully should be.

The one thing I've started to improve on is my diet. I'm committed to addressing my fertility issues in the coming months, and I know a huge part of that is making sure my PCOS is under control. I've stopped drinking my calories, increased my protein intake and drastically cut the amount of carbs I'm taking in (which, if I'm being honest about, is an absolute fucking bummer because carbohydrates are like the quickest, easiest way to get a quick dopamine fix.)

I've got to start being accountable for my mental health again. With Devon's new schedule at work, I have a lot of free time. I should be using it in a way that is constructive and conducive to everything we are trying to achieve.

It's really the home front where I've been slacking, and it's unfair to put that burden of my shortcomings on my husband. He is truly the most kind, incredible and understanding partner I could possibly ask for.

Professionally, I'm kind of killing it right now. I'm the secretary for the company safety committee and leader of the volunteer committee. I recently planned/executed a fundraiser for a local woman who was diagnosed with ALS. It was the hightest grossing luncheon we've had, and we raised nearly a thousand dollars.

I'm also in the middle of planning our "Family Fun Day" for the company, and although an insane and stressful task that I'm completely under qualified to tale on, things seem to be moving along fairly well.

I've been making a lot of connections with people at work and it's really starting to feel like I belong there. It's taken a while to get my bearings because it's such a drastic change from hiding in my cubicle trying to calculate yield reports or product and package traceability. I feel challenged in a way that I haven't in a long time, and the challenges are generally fun.

On my worst day at work, I cried about tortillas. It's kind of a long story, but suffice it to say, my worst day at this job is almost as good as the best day at any other job I ever had.

Plus the hours are incredibly forgiving and flexible. Honestly, the ability to work part time and make up my own hours has really been a saving grace when it comes to my particular brand of mental illness.

I guess what I want to say is that I realized that I can't sit on the bench anymore. I've been trying, but I haven't been pushing myself. It's time I started.

10:16 p.m. - 05.31.19


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