bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



Oh man, life is a fucking ride. The last few months have been a complete whirlwind. My new job has kept me busy; it's amazing and challenging and rewarding and all consuming. My schedule has shifted to that of vampire. I'm working six days a week. I only get to see my husband three days a week, but....somehow it's all working.

Things fall apart quite often but we've gotten pretty good at throwing them together again and laughing while we do it.

Yesterday the hubs and I went to the cities for day out. We went to a small festival, enjoyed a touch of live music and had a couple readings done. I got both a tarot reading and a rune reading, while my husband just did a rune reading. It was a beautiful experience that left us both feeling whole and healed.

The cards and stones both reflected a lot of recurring themes in my life, heart and mind lately. Mostly, dealing with my lack of confidence and crippling anxiety. I really fell apart after everything that happened a year ago, and instead of dealing with any of the issues I just kind of accepted that I would never come out of that darkness--that I was broken. I just sat there, refusing to take responsibility for my emotions and my baggage. I repressed so much depression and locked myself in a steel cage of denial.

When I talked to my husband about this I said that the past year had drained me so completely that I felt like an egg that had been blown out. Like, the the eye I looked normal and functional. If you didn't handle me, you'd never see that I was fragile and empty inside.

As completely emo and adolescent as it sounds, that's exactly how I felt. And instead of doing anything about it--instead of reaching out to the people around me or filling my spiritual tank, I just sat in it.

I know it's deeper than that, and I don't mean to be harsh on myself or invalidate my experience. I know that I didn't have the tools to process everything. I know that I went through an insane mind fuck of traumatic experiences. I know that I was deeply wounded in a way that I couldn't understand at the time. I know all of that, I just....also felt incredibly ashamed that I couldn't just fix it.

And I felt scared.

I was so fucking scared to deal with the idea of death. The idea that I'd seen and experienced it in every form in a matter of months. I was scared of the memories locked inside of me. I was scared of facing it all in order to come back again.

My readings yesterday dealt a lot with trusting myself, with letting go of the past, with embracing a unique and powerful light inside of me.

I feel invigorated and inspired--aware that it's time for a change.

12:26 a.m. - 09.15.15


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