bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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I am meditating constantly on how to be gentle, how to be calm, how to handle myself, how to react with compassion and empathy.

So much has happened in my life and in my husbands life and in OUR life that I've built up a series of defenses so dense and impenetrable that even I'm having trouble getting through them. I've developed an intense fear of vulnerability and when I find myself feeling exposed, I get defensive and lash out.

I know that I haven't always been so angry, so incensed and ready to battle. I just don't know how to get back to that place.

I want to react to things with laughter. I want to find humor in the tiniest, most maddening things. I don't want to be angry all the time.

I don't know how to let things go. I don't know how to forgive myself.

I want to love me, and if that's not possible, I'd be happy enough just liking myself.

12:51 p.m. - 03.16.15

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