bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



My brother is back in school after his Christmas/New Years break. Since his DUI, he had his driver's license revoked which means that my parent's drive him to and from school every day. From our town to the city he attends class, it's approximately 50 miles.

Now they've farmed the job out to me. I accepted for the same reason I do everything for my parents, I am unable to say no to the people go gave me life. This means that after work, I have to drive straight to my brother's college. Since I work something like 25 miles from home, this means that I'm commuting at least seventy miles (one way). That's a very low estimate, especially since it takes me just shy of two hours to get there.

Sometimes my parents pay for gas, but mostly I just eat the expense. Occasionally, depending on his schedule for the day, I actually have to leave work early. So, for those of you keeping up, that means that not only am I paying for the gas, but I'm actually taking money out of my pocket to do this.

It wouldn't bother me so much if I hadn't spent the last two years trying to get things on track for myself so that I could finish my degree. My brother, on the other hand, quit or got fired from so many jobs that my parents decided to pay for his education in full so that he could sort his life out.

I constantly feel like I'm paying for my brother's mistakes. I constantly feel like my achievements aren't recognized or applauded or appreciated.... Same goes with the things that I do to help my parents; it's never noticed. When I was unemployed for over a year, driving my father around and taking care of him post-neck-surgery, I never even got a thank you. Instead of being cheered on and supported, my father would list reasons why I shouldn't apply for this job or that job. It took me months before I realized that he was only saying those things to keep me around....

I recognize that before starting school, my brother was in a dark place. I recognize that without this opportunity, things may have gotten even darker for him and for our family, but...what the fuck, man?

I know that as a married adult(ish) woman, I shouldn't be so upset by the blatant favoritism that my parent's show my brother but it breaks my heart.

Same way it does when I see them talking about the possibility of putting my brother's girlfriend through school to be a nurse's aide. While my husband is an incredible man who got to where he is professionally through hard work and a little encouragement for his lady, it bothers me that they never offered to help him.

I mean, I know I should take it as a compliment; all of this is just proof that my parents believe in my ability to take care of myself and the family I've created, but sometimes I just can't see it like that. Sometimes I want some fucking help or guidance or, better yet, someone telling me what I need to do.

12:12 p.m. - 01.13.15


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