bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I finally updated my resume and have started actively looking for a second job. All of the things I'd like to do in order to get our lives moving forward are pretty much impossibilities within the constraints of our current budget, so it's time to get real about this.

I love my current position so much, and I'm beyond grateful to have gotten out of the coffee shop before business started to decline. It's just that the future is incredibly uncertain with the abstracting company. Basically, when a title and abstracting company opens, they are given 2 years to comprise the data from all of the real-estate transactions in their district. So that's what I do all day: I copy pages out of ridiculously old books in the county courthouse, find the information that is relevant to the company, enter it into the system and verify it's accuracy. It's a pretty sweet and easy gig, especially since I don't have a firm schedule. My obligation to the company is to work 30 hours a week at any point during their 8 to 5 business hours. The bummer is that since I'm working on a deadline (and, so far, ahead of schedule), I have this looming threat of unemployment hanging over my head.

I think I can count on another year, but anything more than that is probably just a pipe dream. There's a chance of being picked up full time, but it's such a highly specialized field and such a new company, I don't want to get my hopes up.

This is the perfect position to double up and try to get ahead, I've just been seriously dragging my ass on this because it's been amazing to bring in a paycheck while still having tons of time with my husband, family and myself (alone time!!!) Also, with my mental state over the past several months, I thought it was probably best to milk the free time and get my shit together.

But, I can't stay in purgatory forever, and if I plan to make things happen for myself than it's time to take some responsibility for it all I guess.

I haven't really spoken to my husband or my family about it, but I'm seriously considering changing courses completely as a result of everything we've experienced in 2014. I'm looking into hospice/bereavement counseling and funeral directing. It's all a bit morbid, but I was very much inspired to get into the field of death after everything we've seen. Counseling has always been an interest of mine, though the amount of red-tape I encountered during my brief foray into the field was a bit of a turn off. Funeral directing is, to be perfectly honest, what I'm really curious about.

Helping make arrangements for my grandmother and mother-in-law was a really eye-opening experience. I mean, there you are at your lowest point--at your most vulnerable--and all they do is try to point you in the direction of the most expensive and ornate casket. They say things like, "Well, this is really the final way to show your love," and pressure you into spending THOUSANDS of unnecessary dollars. The whole thing was fucking sickening. The people that I dealt with were absolute vultures and it got me thinking: what if this guy gave a shit? How different would this experience be if we were treated with respect, with love, with compassion--with respect for our budget?

I can't imagine it would be an easy job. Maybe all of them start out thinking, "I'll be the one that cares! I'll really make an effort every time!" and then after years of carrying bodies out of bedrooms and hospitals and hotels, they get bitter and sad and lose their humanity. I mean, it does seem hard to believe that anyone would go into the field with the intention of ripping off and screwing over every family they meet, but that's the impression I was left with after dealing with the different funeral parlors and directors. It doesn't matter what state or what county, everyone I encountered was a heartless, money-grubbing douche.

And I think maybe I could do it in a way that was kind--in a way that was compassionate--in a way that didn't leave you feeling dirty and taken advantage of....

Maybe it's crazy. Maybe it's another phase of the grieving process, but it's been running through my mind a lot lately and I figure it's worth exploring.

But, that's long-term stuff. Right now I just need to find something to do with myself from 3 to 9 that pays halfway decent. Unfortunately, my husband refuses to let me get back into phone-acting so it looks like I'm stuck sending out resumes...

10:44 a.m. - 01.06.15


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