bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



Christmas was, despite all expectations, quite extraordinary. Basically, it was like every other day, but with presents and a better meal. Take out the presents, and you have the makings of a perfect day.

The husband got his Playstation, and I went insane with some gift certificates to Bed, Bath and Beyond (I bought a sixty dollar wafflemaker. I am both enthused and ashamed by the purchase.) I also picked the hubby out a nice piece of moonstone.

After years of being limited to the 3 public television channels we could manipulate our digital antennae to receive, we've finally stepped back into the 21st century. As a sort of Christmas gift to ourselves, Derv and I finally got signed back up for internet and reactivated our online streaming accounts. This means that I spent nearly my whole break off of work getting reacquainted with Netflix and binge watching documentaries.

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I run at two speeds: utterly obsessed and entirely uninterested. This makes my addiction to documentaries particularly crippling during certain periods of mania. It's not like I want to find people who are hurting and sad and broken, it's just that I fucking love people and I love their stories and I have an ability to identify and empathize with the narrative of just about anyone.

Which sounds cool, until you find me at midnight, sobbing my eyes out because the world is such a cruel and unfair place that Buck Angel is forced to explain how he can identify as a man despite not having a penis.

Yeah. That really happened.

As you can probably tell, I've been in this weirdly emotional nebulous lately.... There's been a lot to deal with (and there still is a lot to deal with), but with the New Year coming up, I can't help but be really optimistic.

I know it's probably wrong to dangle all my dreams and hopes on 2015's back, but there are so many things I'm trying to line up for myself and right now, my biggest obstacle is time (and me. But I'm working really, really hard on that one). The sooner we are done with this year and into next, the sooner my life can start.

When the fiscal year ends, I can get taxes in line. Then I can fill out my FAFSA because I am finally taking the necessary steps to finish my fucking degree.

Unfortunately, I'm paying for it all myself---which is why it has taken SO FUCKING LONG. My parents, after shelling out thousands of dollars in cash, to send my brother to school for a fourth time (his last semester starts in a week or two), are tapped out. So I've been trying to save money, pay down loans and qualify for every piece of aid imaginable.

There were a few downsides to this plan, but the biggest was finding myself stuck in a personal, professional and educational purgatory during the most heart-wrenching, stagnant and emotional year of my life.

So, yeah, 2014 was a lot being poor, spending nights at home, seeing people die, dealing with that emotional fall out and watching my brother near the finish line on an educational opportunity not afforded to me.

Without sounding too dramatic, who the fuck would want to linger on that?

My goal for this upcoming year is to keep the momentum going--keep moving toward something, even if that something changes.

I feel pretty good about what's to come, I just have to make peace with the things that have happened.

11:53 a.m. - 12.29.14


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