bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



Having a lot of dreams about babies and parenthood. It's really strange, because up until about a year ago, I was staunchly against the idea of reproducing. Now, I'm not so much against it as I am incredibly freaked out by the concept of growing a human inside of me/being entirely responsible for the livelihood of said human once it is expelled from my uterus.

It probably has something to do with my intense desire to just get the fuck over everything that has happened. I'm so tired of living in purgatory, I'm so tired of mourning, I'm so sick of grieving.

Things have been weird and strained between my husband and I lately, but we've finally addressed it. We kept finding ourselves having the same stupid fight about nothing; locked in this bullshit cycle of trying to step over each others feelings. He's been really shut down and quiet lately, so I haven't had much to say (which is admittedly unusual for me, because I tend to have an inability to shut the fuck up). This leads to him convincing himself that I am angry or upset with him. Then, somewhere around minute 3 of trying to assure him that I'm not angry, just quiet, I start to get incredibly frustrated. My frustration comes from the fact that we've been having this argument since we returned from Michigan as well as the fact that I feel like I'm doing something wrong--putting something out there to imply negative feelings (I'm very sensitive about being the villain, which is just some weird emotional hangup thing from my past). When I get frustrated, I get short and try to just hit the back button on the conversation. This proves to only solidify my husbands belief that I am pissed off, which leads him to try to talk it out. Being that I'm frustrated and feeling kind of defensive and attacked, I get really short and kind of bitchy and insist that "nobody is mad at anybody, now could we please just drop this fucking conversation?" The last few weeks this last step has been replaced with me stopping everything to say, "See?! Do you see?! It's this same fucking argument again! Why are we here again?!" In short, it's been awful. Especially since the formula (and dialogue!) is always the same. ALWAYS.

It's hard to be mindful of his grief and the fact that he handles things so much differently. (I know, I know, I probably sound like a monster!) It's also hard because while I'm trying to be mindful of the fact that he's faced some seriously traumatic shit, I feel....well...forgotten. I mean, it wasn't my mother, but I was there. I was in the room with him, holding her hand and talking to her. I even stayed behind a little while after Devon and his step dad had left (though it was mainly because I read an article that said your brain stays active for up to seven minutes after you die, and I didn't want her to be alone for it). And before that, I found my grandmother and lost my best friend.

And I just feel like I'm trying so hard to be sensitive to his needs that he's forgotten that I'm kind of damaged right now, too. I've also been through trauma. I've also lost people close to me, people I loved.

And while my way of grieving is to keep moving--keep cleaning, keep folding laundry, keep doing dishes, keep baking cupcakes, he just wants to distract himself with a new TV show or movie. He sees me working hard to keep life going and it feels like he's using it as an excuse to coast.

It feels unfair, but I also understand that we think differently, we feel differently and therefore we just overcome trauma differently.

This is just the first time we've been on such different wavelengths and it scares the shit out of me.

I mean, at the end of the day, we're both desperate to not feel these emotions--to escape them, to ignore them, to bury them deep, deep inside of us under plot lines of bad film and successful kitchen exploits, so there is still a great amount of common ground. I just...I feel like I'm trying so hard to keep life moving and to stay with the living and get back into a routine.

I feel unappreciated and unacknowledged. I feel alone in my feelings and unsure of where to put them.

We've finally talked about it, though. We've finally gotten it out in the open and discussed what's going on, so I feel hopeful. It's just hard. This is the first time I've felt truly alone since we got married, and it's a really scary feeling.

10:32 a.m. - 11.24.14


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