bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I've been getting really, really, ridiculously angry lately. Even I can see that it's pretty irrational, which somehow only serves to make this a more infuriating process. It's like this cycle of suckage that I can't seem to figure out how to break.

I know that a lot of it is because the holidays are coming up and someone very important will be missing from our celebrations this year. Actually, 2 someones...

It's easier for me to forget about my mother in law than it is my grandmother. She was the epicenter of the holidays. Even after we stopped gathering at her house, and her health prevented her from making her insane bounty of Christmas candies, we still gathered around her during celebrations. Meal times, menus, gift exchanges, budgets, everything we did was set up to appease her. She was always able to gather the entire family, because regardless of what drama was happening, she was the aging matriarch and whatever petty shit was happening would have to be put aside to spend time with her. She loved having everyone together, she loved being the center of the universe, she loved being kind of a mean, picky bitch that we all waited on.

In the wake of her death, there's been a lot of hostility and weirdness with the family. Lines have been drawn between my mother/father and uncle/aunt. It's sad for a lot of reasons, but mainly because it's pretty much the exact opposite of what my grandmother would've wanted. Like I said, no matter what stupid shit was happening, we were forced by order of the Queen B to let go and lighten up for a night.

My parents are particularly stoked about not sharing holidays with my aunt and uncle. I get it. They're kind of insufferable people, really pretentious and judgmental and overbearing...but, like, that's half of the fun of Holidays to me. You gather together with people that you love tremendously but don't necessarily like and you just kind of tolerate each other for the duration for a meal.

And now there's nobody to facilitate that.

Plus, there's nobody to make candy. Every year my grandmother would spent weeks baking up all kinds of amazing goodies and she'd give everyone a tin full for Christmas. This was something she did pretty much right up until the end, even though her eyes got bad and the quality of everything dropped to levels of inedible waste because she couldn't see well enough to measure (or read the ingredients). But, still, it was the thought that counted. It was the fact that she tried to keep these traditions going. And now that she's gone, they're all falling apart.

This year, I'm going to try to make the Christmas candies. It won't be the same (hopefully because they'll taste good again), and I don't know how to do a lot of it (like divinity, because it is just the single most difficult thing in the world to make and because I didn't spend enough time with her to learn. I always blew off Christmas candy making), but I'm going to try.

And I'm going to try to get everyone together. Because it beats the hell out of being a miserable bitch all the time.

1:17 p.m. - 11.18.14


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