bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


28 days

We're getting close to the 4 week mark regarding our attempts to quit smoking. So far there haven't been any slips, despite the fact that my entire family smokes (they even smoke my preferred brand, and nobody respects the struggle enough to not do it around us). I can taste food, my fingers aren't yellow, my skin is (without trying to brag) AMAZING and I'm able to run short distances without feeling like someone or something has punctured my lung. It's been an awesome thing in ever respect except for one: our marriage.

Not that it's in trouble. I don't want to get all mellow-dramatic here. It's just that, Derv and I never really fought before. I mean, sure, we'd bicker about stupid shit and get short with each other, but the last few weeks have essentially been a battle royal.

It fucking sucks.

Derv seems to be having a harder time with it than I am (and I don't mean to sound like I'm scapegoating him here, but perhaps I am. It's kind of hard to think rationally in the throws of withdrawl), and I think it's mainly because smoking was his main coping mechanism. It was his tried and true solution to tense situations, and now that he's without it, he's had to completely reevaluate how he handles stress.

I was lucky enough to be committed to a mental hospital as a teenager, where they forced me to list three ways to cope with stress and depression every day, so my freakouts tend to be isolated to a few moments of chest-tightening desire and the occasional use of my bitch voice.

Again, I just want to highlight the fact that while we are constantly at odds, our relationship is safe. At the end of the day we are able to apologize, forgive and move on. It just gets really fucking stupid sometimes.

That's really the only thing I have to complain about. The past few months have been a revelation for me. I've been applying nonstop to different office jobs and turning up nothing. I mean, it makes sense, I don't have a college degree of any kind and my experience isn't extensive enough to push me ahead of those who actually have that piece of paper.

So, I've decided to just change directions! Today I accepted a job as a Barista at a Coffee/Wine Bar. It pays decent and offers tips, but it will also be a lot less encompassing than anything I've done in the past two years. Which is a good thing, because I am going back to school in August.

It's been a plan for a long time, but it's only been recently that I've started thinking about the logistics of doing it. I mean, I'm like four thousand dollars in and just about halfway done with my AA degree, so it's really a waste of money not to. Also, I finally worked up the balls to call my student loan officers a few months back, and now that I'm back in good standing I'm eligible for grants again.

It's nice to see things coming together. This job was really a vital component of my five year plan!

11:31 a.m. - 01.16.14


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