bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


four minutes

It was a horrible morning. I don't know how it got out of control. Devon and I are both sick. He called in yesterday and again today (in addition to taking a half-day last week), so I was feeling bitter about that when I woke up. He told me to call in and I said something about how one of us needs to go to work so we can pay off the fucking car (that still isn't working, $750.00 later) and afford to go to Michigan while still feeding ourselves and paying the bills.

It escalated from there. He started yelling, I started yelling. At one point I threatened to sleep at my parents if he didn't shut the fuck up.

He started to get hurtful, so I lashed out right back--telling him that without me, he'd be scrubbing toilets at a hockey stadium. He got more hurtful. Details I don't want to go into.

Toward the end, I just kept yelling, "Stop! I don't want to do this. This is not how my day is going to start. Leave me alone. Just go to bed." Eventually he did, and it was quiet.

The Today Show was one while we were sparring, the fight lasted a whole four minutes. I don't know why I noticed that, but it seems strange to me, that four minutes can hold that much bitterness and emotion. Especially four minutes so early in the morning.

We're both stressed out. We both handled this so poorly that I'm almost ashamed to write about it. I know that I'm lashing out for the wrong reasons--that I'm upset about a lot of things that have nothing to do with finances, but...fuck. I went to work on a sprained fucking ankle and he calls in with a tummy ache and the sniffles.

I have to keep reminding myself that those things aren't what I'm angry about, but the truth is, I have no idea why I feel so erratic and terrible right now. There's just this giant ball of stress in my chest, this palpable tension that is slowly driving me nuts.

What a fucking day. And it's just starting.

7:58 a.m. - 09.19.13


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