bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I used to joke that I "lived a life with no consequences". It was really, really true at the time... nowadays I think I'm being punished for that period of time.

It's like, when you're young, you think growing up means eating cake for breakfast and buying candy all the time. But really, it means that you are responsible for everything you put out there. It means going to work and paying your bills and eating a balanced diet and taking care of yourself and fostering relationships....and I can't seem to figure out how to manage all of those things.

And now we're taking on the responsibility for someone twice our age. We're dealing with some seriously next level shit, meanwhile, I'm over here just trying to navigate my twenties and pay off student loans and finish college and figure out who and what I want to be.

Like, this is basically why I didn't want children for the longest time--because I didn't want to be anchored. I didn't want to be stuck in one place. I didn't want to make things harder for myself. I realized that I was hardly able to take care of ME and that taking on another human would be irresponsible. And now we have no choice.

Everything seems really daunting and overwhelming right now. I just want to go be young and stupid and reckless. Because I miss the holy fuck out of being stupid and not giving a shit about what was going to happen. I miss being in the moment and not figuring out how we're going to get by.

I don't know where I'm going with this, and I didn't mean to get all depressed and's just that I don't know how else to process. Everything usually becomes clear when I write things down, I spin in circles until I make a point or have an epiphany, and it's not happening right now.

I really hope that if I'm a good enough person in this life that I can come back as, like, a house cat.

6:33 p.m. - 09.18.13


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