bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I just applied for an Office Assistant job at a college. If the divine were to smile on me--if I were actually able to land this job--my dreams of a bachelors degree would no longer be burdened by things like financial woes and student loan payments. It's too beautiful an idea to dwell on, really...

I can't even talk about how lovely it would be.

Also, there's a legal secretary position open in a town twenty miles closer to home--in a county that has not yet switched to the online court system that I've been mastering for the past couple months.

I've been very inspired by a song lyric over the past several weeks. Every day on my way home from work, I listen to the same verse six or seven times just to hear it because it's wise as fuck and for some reason I just wasn't getting it. It goes, "It's disgusting how you can do nothing/and complain about the situation in which you're living."

When I first heard it, I though of my brother and the handful of other folks I know who've managed to give up all responsibility in their lives and still, you know, eat and live and get drunk and survive. I heard it and I would smile to myself, judging them because selling my soul to my asshole boss somehow made me superior to them...

Now I realize that it hit home because I have, yet again, forked over all the control in my life to some fucking douchebag. It's like, I walk into these shitty, miserable situations, and then refuse to set boundaries or stand up for myself or do something because I'm just "so grateful for the opportunity". Take this job, for example, everyone has been telling me to quit, I want to quit, I hate it here... Sometimes, on my way to work, I start crying simply because I have an inkling of what is ahead of me. But instead of talking to my boss, typing up a resignation letter or doing anything beyond browsing the want-ads, I just bitch about it. I just bitch about it as if squeezing some pus out of this festering boil could possibly heal and nullify the infection.

It hit home because here I am, refusing to take responsibility for myself and my happiness, feeling all smug and self-righteous because this hellhole I disappear to for a few hours every day pays the bills.

So, I applied for a secretary position at the university because nobody will hire me if I don't stop hating my job and start figuring out my next move.

This isn't it for me--this shitty office with the boss who doesn't appreciate me and enjoys finding new and different ways to tell me/show me how incompetent I am. I haven't been fated to this. I haven't been fated to anything because I am in the fucking drivers seat.

I don't know how the fuck I keep forgetting that.

11:55 a.m. - 09.12.13


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