bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



My pay day was on the 9th. I still have not received my second paycheck. Not sure how I will afford to get to work the rest of the week, or pay my bills....or, yea know, eat.

I have it all printed and looking beautiful, sitting on my boss's desk. All he has to do is answer my call, stop into the office, and fucking sign it. That's literally the only thing stopping me from getting paid. My husband keeps telling me that it's going to get better--he even sends me sweet little inspirational texts during the day--and it makes me want to punch him in the scrotum. I don't see things getting better, especially since my boss has been less and less present as time goes by. Also, how the fuck would he know if they were? I swear to God, for the sake of our marriage, I wish he would just shut up about work. Don't ask me questions, don't try to get me to talk about it, don't tell me things are going to get better--just pretend that I'm in witness protection for 9 hours a day.

Last week I interviewed for a position running a home for disabled adults. I think I nailed it, and I can only hope that an offer comes soon. Also, I applied for a receptionist job at a vet clinic and for an office position at a dance studio. Really, truly, I don't give a flying fuck where I go after this. I just know that I'm not cut out for the "figure it out as you go" job. I hate the pressure that comes with knowing how much I could seriously fuck with someone's life if something gets filed wrong or lost in the chaos that is the law office.

And, I'm coming to this shitty job everyday--not sure how I'm going to keep getting here or pay my bills--and my fucking parents just gave my brother a prepaid debit card with, like, six grand on it so that he can pay for this semester at college and his books and his bills. Meanwhile, my folks won't shut the fuck up about what a great opportunity this job is, how I'm making so much money (yeah, right!!!) and how, with everything going on, they could really stand to keep me employed so that I can help them out.

Which means, they want me to stay at this horrible job so that I can give them money to pay for my brother's fucking education. And the real bitch is, when I was unemployed--when my husband and I only had one income--we never asked them for anything. They never paid for my bills, put gas in my car, etc. And now they want me to slave away at this place that makes me miserable and crazy--this place where my boss cannot be bothered to stop by and sign my fucking paycheck--so that they can continue to fund his life in the fog.

It makes me so fucking angry.

And the worst part is that I have no backbone. The worst part is, when and if I ever get my paycheck, I will hand half of it over to my parents. I will pay my bills and pick up groceries, and I will give them whatever's left over.

I am so good at recognizing irrationality and madness and crazy shit, but I'm so absolutely powerless when it comes to doing something about it.

A long time ago, I used to set boundaries. I remember it clearly. I was a fucking dick about it, too. These days I'm so worried about being nice and likeable and sunny and optimistic toward everyone that I've turned all my boundary-setting, act-like-a-jerkoff behaviors on myself.

I'm so upset about the thing with my brother, but I know better than to try to talk to my parents about it. I am, like, completely fucking livid over the paycheck thing, but when it finally comes time to address it, I'll write it off as a minor inconvenience....

It's like, I was such an asshole for so long that I'm terrified of regressing into some self-absorbed twat again. So I just give and give and let people wipe their feet on me and then I get all upset and resentful and hate on everyone.

And the fucked up thing is, I feel like I'd choose that over being unliked or unloved.

- 08.14.13


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