bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- okay It's funny to read my old diary entries. It's so hard to understand that I really did feel all of those things, passionately, madly and deeply. It's hard to believe that there was a point in my life when I lived with reckless abandon. It's hard to believe that there was a time when I hated myself with every fiber of my being. I don't miss the madness and recklessness. I never did find happiness in all of that. Any sense of joy I did have came from whatever illicit substance I could get flowing through my bloodstream. Pills, powders, uppers, downers...it didn't matter because I just wanted to escape myself or change myself or feel, even if only for a second, like somebody else. It took a long time for me to realize that everything I had searched for was inside of me. Love, comfort, stability, support, acceptance....all of those things were inside of me. I had to find them, understand them, and apply them to myself if I had any hope of finding the happiness that had forever seemed to elude me. It was only when I decided to project those things into the world that I began to see it around me. You are who you make yourself, and your world is nothing more than a projection of yourself. I wish I could explain it better, because I mean it both literally and metaphorically... I am starting to realize the power I have over myself--the power I have over my life and my world, and it's awesome. I'm thankful to finally have an idea of my potential and a plan to tap it. I have this weird sensation running through me these days, and I think it might be "self-esteem". Realizing the power of my mind has given me a confidence that I never dreamed I could possess! I have fallen head-over-heels-fairy-tale-style-in-love with myself. And so, when I read about lost-little-girl Nichole, about her suicide attempts and depression fueled rants.... I just feel so far away from her. It's almost as if another person lived that life. I look back at the major meltdowns and revelations and big moments and all I can do is laugh. I don't know how else to handle it, because, well....it all seems so insane. I don't mean to dissociate myself from that part of my life completely, but I know without a doubt that I am not that person anymore. And since I've learned how much power I have over myself and my life, I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I don't ever have to be her again. I don't have it all figured out, but I know that with all of the love and light I've been blessed with, I'll be okay. I'll always be okay. Or, at the very least, as long as I decide to be. 2:25 p.m. - 06.18.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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