bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I will be celebrating the third anniversary of my decision to abstain from alcohol this month.

This is especially important to me after this weekend. We hosted our annual [super]late-Christmas party for fourth time, and it was a fucking nightmare. I mean, I've spent the last 2 rounds of homie-holidays sober, so I wasn't really expecting anything different out of this one. I figured it'd get a little rowdy, a little sloppy, a little messy, but all in all be a good time.

I literally could not have been more wrong.

Devon and I have talked about it, and we think that this might be the last time we open our home to all of our friends at once. At least with booze in the equation.

Honestly, I was shocked and disgusted by how little respect our friends had for our home. They spilled drinks, they ashed their cigarettes on the floor, they dropped them on the floor and in the sink and on the toilet. My friends are people who, before drinking, are the sweetest and most considerate humans on earth and they all turned into these complete and total shit-shows.

It's more than that, really. I'm also incredibly disappointed with their complete absorption in drug culture. I'd be a hypocrite to say that I don't believe psychedelic drugs can be conducive to a spiritual experience, but I also believe that they cannot be used as anything more than a boat to cross a river of consciousness. More than anything, I believe that when you cross the river, you have to get off the fucking boat!

I feel sorry for people who see drugs as a mean to an end or a solution to a problem... And the people I love most are falling into that trap. They can't control their usage, they can't stop, and even more tragically....they seem to realize they have a problem.

I'm torn between my disgust, my disappointment, my desire to help and the feeling that I'm just kind of...past this.

I think I'm going to go back to Al-Anon. Not because I believe in the philosophies of the 12 step system, but because I believe in the idea of distant love. I need to learn how to love these people in a way that is not dangerous or detrimental to me.

I used to be fine with putting myself out in order to assure a little bit of comfort and stability for someone else, but I'm not willing to do that for people who refuse to assert power over their lives and their situations any longer.

I refuse to let myself be taken advantage of by the drugged out/drunken zombies that many of my friends have turned into.

I don't think I'm better than them, but over the past several years I've realized that I have an incredible amount of control over myself and my life. I've realized that I can cut out things that are bad for me--that I have the discipline and determination to change the things that make me unhappy. I may smoke a little pot from time to time, but that does not define me, my person or my humanity.

I feel like as long as the people I love the most try to shove themselves into these fucked up little boxes that they think will be their salvation, I have to maintain my distance. I've come to far. I have too much to lose.

I'm set up to be back in school, all loans and my first semester paid off, in one year... I'm not out of the fog by a long ways, but I'm so much farther than I've ever been. I've got a goal in mind and a plan for how to get there.

I know that everyone is doing the best that they can at their own level of consciousness, but I'm crushed that we're not in the same place anymore...and it's all because of fucking substances.

I'm grateful that Derv has come with me on this journey, but so fucking sad that everyone else is still back there...

12:52 p.m. - 06.10.13


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