bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary



I don't know what's worse: being told by doctors that my friend is dying, or being told by my friend that she thinks she's going to make it.

I'm taking a break from life. From social media. From social interaction, really. I don't know how to deal with what is before me.

I've been shuttling Nancy around to doctors visits for over a year. I just took it for granted that they were going to figure out how to treat her cancer and that she was going to get better.

Her daughter, a girl around my age who'd been estranged from her mother for over a decade until something like 2009, told me she was going to have a baby. Instead of my typical, knee-jerk reaction, I just felt so broken for her.

I can't imagine having a child without my mother's guidance. I can't not knowing my mother for years on end and then finding her with just enough time to see her fade.

And, I don't even want to get into the fucked up place my mind has been going watching someone my parent's age being to slip away.

It's just too fucking soon.

God, and her husband--who I always suspected didn't care as much as she did, who never treated her quite right--is just lost. He has no idea what's going on with her or her body or her doctors. Instead of judging him, I can't help but empathize. What kind of state would I be in if that were my Derv?

That's the other dark, horrible place that my mind has been going...

There are a lot of silver linings for Nancy, though. And I know that my grief is rising out of the selfish desire to keep her around. But, is it so selfish if you want to keep someone around for their family? For their grandchild?

I just don't know.

1:28 p.m. - 03.25.13


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