bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary


baby maybe

I live in an incredibly small town. For example, there are no stop lights, police officers and the only business is a bar.

I went to school in a slightly larger (but not by much) town very close by. Kindergarten through first grade with the same people. Now, this probably would've been a super awesome fucking thing, but I was the world's biggest loser.

At least they all thought so.

I have gruesome stories from those years, too. I was teased, bullied, people stole from me, destroyed my things and, in general, made my life miserable as if doing so was an extra-curricular activity.

If I sat down by someone, they would move. If, by accident, I brushed by someone in the hallway, they would recoil in disgust and make some comment about how dirty or disgusting or whatever I was. It was fucking hell, man. I spent middle-school and highschool alternating between hoping to move and hoping to die.

So, last night, the Derv and I watched the movie Bully. It's a heartbreaking documentary that follows a few kids throughout the school year, showing the way they are being bullied, ostracized and made to feel like shit by their peers. It's incredible, to be honest, and I sympathized so hard that I spent the duration of the film screaming at the television set and crying.

It made me realize that (in addition to all of the reasons I've given about not wanting children) the way I was treated in school gives me some serious fears and doubts about having a child in this area.

I don't think I could send my child to the school that I was sent to. I don't think I could doom my child to my legacy of loserdom.

I don't think I can have children as long as I live here.

3:57 p.m. - 03.18.13


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