bliss-sad's Diaryland Diary

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summer

Watch me break and watch me burn

I wasn't going to party last night, but I figured, fuck it. I left sometime around one and stumbled in at ten-thirty this morning. My bones ache, and I don't remember a thing. Some how, it just doesn't feel as good as it should've. I'm sick; my bones ache. I don't think I can continue on like this much longer. For the past week, I've gotten smashed every night. Sometimes I make it home, sometimes I don't. I'm on self-distruct right now, and I don't care what happens to me. I know what I'm doing is wrong, I can see that I'm turning into something I promised myself I'd never be. I can clearly view the outcome of my disaster, but I don't care.

I could sit here and tell you that it will all pass, that I will get over it, that it's not the end of the world, and it would all be true. I know all of it; I've been given great advice, and I've come to a lot of understandings about this myself. The problem is, no matter what I tell myself it doesn't change the way I feel.

And what no one gets, is that it's so much more than losing him. It's about a lifetime of pain and nowhere to put it. It's about a desperation and deep longing for something more. I wish all the pain I feel could be the result of a break-up, but it's just not. There's so much more to the ache inside of me than a boy breaking my heart; it's not like he's not the only boy to have ever done it. He's not the first and he's not the last. His total abandonment on top of everything else is what I have a problem with. I don't like to feel people leaving me, and when he left, several other people took the oppertunity to flee, as well.

So this is my life; I sneak out, or sometimes leave, smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, and drink. Vodka, rum, whiskey, everclear, uv red and blue, beer, wine coolers, tequila; it doesn't matter. Any drug or drink will do. Up or down, I don't care about the effect, just so long as I'm never straight anymore. Life has gotten far too painful to bear.

I always forget how much I hate summer until it's here.

2:58 p.m. - June 02, 2006

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