bliss-sad's Diaryland
Diary
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I've been gorging on edibles and doom scrolling through the news the past few days, getting myself all worked up about the state of the world from my pedestal of privilege in the middle of nowhere America.
My maternal grandfather recorded several tapes of stories from his time in WW2, and I've been listening to those quite a bit as well. He saw some terrible, horrible things. I don't know how he was able to find faith in people. The frankness with which he speaks about war and it's atrocities is absolutely astounding. I know that I'm a soft-belly, snowflakey millennial but jesus fucking christ... humans are the worst.
I hear that trauma can be stored in your DNA for, like, 3 generations.
Those thoughts are connected, but I don't have the wherewithal to link them in prose.
Work is as good as it gets. I spend my days worrying about motors and gearboxes and bushings and bearings, just taking nonstop L's as the supply chain breaks down. I've got purchase orders from November that aren't estimated to ship until April for items that used to take a week, maybe two to arrive. I keep hearing mythical tales of shipping containers full of chain that are somehow always 6 weeks away. I argue with men about the max bore on different hubs and sit in on engineering meetings that are so far over my head, I have to remind myself to keep listening every 12 seconds. I dunno, I'm treading water. They seem to be happy with me, so I try not to question it.
I still apply for an average of 5 jobs per week, even though I really don't see myself going anywhere. I just like the sense of control it gives me.
My FIL is still a miserable grump, though I think I've just come to accept that this is what my life is like. We're hoping to have his house complete by April, but a large part of me questions whether that date has a basis in reality or not.
I probably sound so deeply unhappy, but I think I'm just painting everything with the brush of my depression. Once Aries season hits, I'm sure I'll feel better. This is just a part of the cycle.
12:57 p.m. - 03.02.22
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