2:50 p.m. & 03.12.18

I started taking St John's Wort a couple weeks ago and I'm starting to reap the benefits. It's made my bottoms significantly easier to manage without any of the horrific side effects I experienced on prescribed antidepressants. Even if it is a placebo effect, feeling more in control of myself is a wonderful fucking thing, man. The hardest part of my journey to healing has been facing my mental illness--understanding that I am not seeing a situation rationally or realizing that my emotional response is more extreme than a situation warrants. Even though I see myself improving, I still feel an incredible amount of shame.

My brain fires so differently than that of someone who is neurotypical and it's a hard pill to swallow. I know it's not helpful, but I spend a lot of time marveling at how "normal people" with "normal brains" get through the day. Like, oh, you don't get sucker punched with a deep existential dread and desire to cease existing multiple times a day? You don't constantly ponder the mortality of you and everyone around you and just lose yourself in the futility of all of this? You don't stare at your reflection in the mirror wondering why you don't recognize yourself today? Fuck, that's gotta be nice.

there & back again