1:18 p.m. & 10.07.17

The play closes this weekend, and despite how fun it's been, I will be so relieved when it's over. The lack of time for self care and general person stuff has me so run down that I'm struggling hard to get through each day. There's a lot going on internally right now.

Therapy has been especially challenging lately. I suppose it's a good thing. It's been 6 months since I started, so we've developed a good enough repor that my therapist is able to push me and challenge me and my beliefs, but sometimes I feel like we hit these giant walls. I find myself in these exhaustive, tedious conversations about the semantics of my language and it takes all of my will to show up for the next session. I know myself and my mental illness we'll enough to know that my desire to cancel appointments is very indicative of my need for therapy.

I start my new job Monday. I spent my last day at my old job crying and hugging people and eating the various goodies coworkers brought in as love tokens. It was really touching and served as a reminder that, depression aside, I am loveable. I need to internalize that.

This month is the ten year anniversary of my suicide attempt and hospitalization. It's set off a weird depressive episode, but I've got my eye on it.

I've come a long way. If I could see the girl I was ten years ago, I wouldn't be frustrated or angry with her anymore. I would offer her the love that she so desperately needed. I finally have sympathy for her.

I have stopped arguing with reality. Although my feelings are mostly irrational flashes and miniature explosions, my thoughts are mostly logical and I'm working to make them more purposeful.

there & back again